So yesterday Noelle went to the beach with my family mama, daddy, my little sister and brother, and my nephews. My mama left me her car for their weekend trip, so I go see my friend Brianna, she has her daughter and like me as always. We meet at her house and go to the grocery store to buy something to make for us for the night, we were suppose to cook, but we were both too lazy for that so we got a pepperoni pizza. So as we’re shopping as always her baby’s dad calls her and he’s telling her that he’s at her house on the porch waiting for her. She says she didn’t tell him to come, I’m sure she’s telling the truth, but he’s never good to her and he’s always arguing with her about nothing every time we get together. Each and every time me and Bre are together he starts tripping not wanting her to do anything with me. Like ugh I’m not that bad, lol. But, no really, we don’t do anything much when we’re together just smoke and chill, the most gone out to eat or to the mall that’s it. I don’t put her on to guys like he keeps saying, I need to put myself on a guy and that hasn’t even happened. Well like my daughter father, he’s a street nigga, what’s that? A thug who sells drugs to stay up or as up as possible and they may or may not work somewhere, but they always have a street mentality. They don’t care about shit, but building street credibility, like its a resume, owning firearms, and flipping theirs, or their girlfriends, their baby mama, or even their mothers check to make them a few extra dollars. Anyways, she gets him so her mother doesn’t see him and flip on her, then attempts to drop him off so we can continue chilling, while he’s at his mothers house he decides to pop off. I go to park and he’s telling me to go, at first I just think he means I can’t park in her yard. So I’m like alright cool, I turn around in the nearest parking space and come back. Then I see them arguing again, so I tell her to come on, because he’s a waste of time, he decides to turn his rage on me and throw a big ass rock at my mama’s car, who’s going to kill me for that. So he beats her up and we call the police on him, he already had a warrant out for his arrest, but no he still can take another charge if he wants it that bad, so now he has an assault on a female charge. Too much drama for me, well Noelle’s fathers out of jail and I get my gas from his nephew and he’s with him. We were suppose to go get it and chill a little with them, instead I had to go alone. I have to say, it wasn’t what I expected, he was distant and I felt it and I grew more distant and we didn’t really speak much about anything, I didn’t ask to talk more, neither did he. Breanna called and I’m sure he thought it was a guy, but she wanted to meet up and I was suppose to be chilling with her anyways. So like that I say I’m leaving and he tells me “Bye.” all fast like he’s been waiting for me to go and not like he’s not the one to hit me up. I could’ve just got the weed at the door for that. So now I see where we stand and I know that I can move one, no sparks, no rushing feelings, it was nothing, and I guess that means something. My heart is vacant.
I think about it everyday, the fact that I’m single. I’m a single mother. Well there’s times I wish I had one, times where if I had that somebody what I was going through wouldn’t be so difficult. But mostly I don’t need no damn man I hold myself up to a higher standard each day and if you’re not trying to go somewhere with your life then you’re wasting my time. Also if you can’t handle a woman who takes care of her four year old child you definitely can’t be with me. Things aren’t fast around me at this time and I love it I have time to get my life together I’m not worried about the next person. I see these people in their relationships and I’m happy for them and I think of when I might have that. Thing is I work with guys all day and they love to get under your skin and I realize that’s how guys act like total fools. I try to be more mature but they seem to continue to try to bug me. It makes me feel like they think, I’m flirting with them and I’m really not, but what should I care, I’m single and grown. If they think I’m flirting with them, that’s on them. Being single makes me feel strong and empowered. I can take the time to get to know myself as myself and not as me and that someone. Noelle gets to know me better. Although, I have to admit I fantasize about it. Single Anita is strong and independent, relationship Anita is all up in that mans world and all his problems are mine. Now I can pay attention to my life and where it’s going for the sake of my child, not how can I satisfy this man, how can I keep him interested, is he flirting with other girls, does he love me? Questions like that, that use to have my mind wrapped up in them. I was in love with him, now I’m in love with me. Fantasizing about what that man will be like to me, to Noelle, and I to him and how things will come together for us. Its silly, but fantasizing about it seems so much better, so much safer than a actual relationship. I mean duh, because I can paint that picture, make my own statue of David. So, I have a question, why do people get into relationships? Security, love, lust, status, hey even for Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, status has always been a thing. Of course I want genuine love where we can work together as a team and both do our parts to keep our relationship together. Real love. Well, until then I will become secure in who I am, I really don’t need a man.
I continue to look up and try to apply thing to my life to make me a better person and I honestly don’t even know if I’m capable of changing. I don’t know if I can be the strong, witty, resourceful, go getting woman that I wan to be. I never have the right answers or I’m never sure of myself. I follow sometimes I should add my heart, that I think my be tainted with bad experiences. I should have thicker skin by now, but honestly even though I pretend not to be, everything people say hurts me. I want to be brave enough to stick up for myself and I’m so damn tired of being counted out because of my size and height, like the old man that would come into Sam’s Club would call me, puny. Puny indeed is how I feel, puny, sounds weak, I just want to bury that weak girl somewhere deep in the woods of my memory and become this Wonder Woman, this Superwoman. This bad ass woman who can stand up for herself, take care of herself, and stand on my own two feet. I want to love myself for once, honestly, instead of feeling so much disappointment. Disappointment for not standing up for myself, disappointment for not taking care of myself, disappointment from letting people define me, make me feel low, make me not like what I see. I tired of not knowing how not to look crazy, how not to bottle up anger. I want to speak my mind when I first feel something, but I just always question that initial feeling, that’s what stops me every time. Grow some balls, this girl tells me during a long span of worst years of my life in high school, and that echo’s in my head, because wasn’t wrong. I’d spent so much time not defending myself because I didn’t want to be seen as making a scene. I’m not the nicest person, but I do harbor a lot of resentment, that I have to get over. At the same time I don’t know how to love myself, or love… I don’t really remember ever loving me, maybe a lot more than now, but not the way I see other girls who love themselves. I want to rise from the ashes like a Phoenix, I believe I can, I should rush it, but hell it’s been a long time coming. I want to be sexy and sophisticated so I can raise my daughter to be the same way, without the sexy part. But where and how do I begin to build the strength and discipline to maintain that, to build myself to that?
I don’t know whats next, I didn’t want to admit it, but I fuckin lost my job again! I can’t believe it, it was completely out of the blue and with no warning and all the wrong signs that led up to it. I’m beyond frustrated with my life and I’m ready for my life to become more stable. I have to admit I’d been showing up late, but that was only twice and that’s because my alarm dismissed itself. I don’t understand how, but my shit still isn’t plooping in the toliet and I’m not sure where to turn. Hell I know the job was shit already, but dammit I needed that shit job to get through until I could just get a few things down pact, but I need to just let it go. Don’t fight for the shit job don’t argue about it, just accept the lose and write a shit review about it on Yelp(:. Fuck that place, fuck the manager that go me fired, and fuck that dumb ass owner who doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing to run the joint. I’m tired of my life turning to shit before I have time to do anything about it, I’m tired of losing and not winning. I’m tired of very few things go crumble right before my eyes, I’m tired of self sabotage, I’m tired of being angry and broke, and I’m fucking tired of being tired. A cliche right? Well fuck it cause it’s true. I’m tired of people not caring about how hard I’m trying and all my effort going unnoticed, I’m tired of people hating on me for no damn reason, like I’m never allowed to just be happy. This shit sucks and people are fake, but I already knew that. I have to pick myself up like I’ve done so many other times from damn near everything, and I’m sick of it, but here I go again. And I will until things finally becomes stable, for some reason I’m too dumb to get my shit together, hell why not rant. I’m going to continue to be a fighter and having to deal with people, because hell people have to deal with my slow ass, so hell I gotta deal with them too. I ready for stability, but appearantly not, when I become ready for the best my actions will reflect that. But fuck it, because I’m fucking am! Things will get better as they always do and I’ll figure out a new method that will work for me.
So I’m joining the National Guard I feel I need to in move my life in a different direction and to make me feel like I’m doing something worth while with my life. I just feel like this is going to be, well life change in my life. I will become more fit, more disciplined, and hopefully discover things I never knew about myself. I want to be stronger, so why not army strong? There are a few things I need to have done, but I don’t believe that will stop anything, just paperwork I’m nervous about not being able to speak to my daughter for ten whole weeks and not be able to tell her how much I love her and not to know what she’s doing all the time. I’ve never been away from Noelle for so long and its scary, also I won’t be able to speak to my mama and that’s scary, she’s my support, so to not hear her encouragment is a little scary. I hope I can carry my Bible, I’m definitely going to need the Lord who I believe will hold me down during the bad times. I know he’ll get me through it even when times get hard, God will make it work in my favor and I’ll count it all joy. I’m excited about being deployed and nervous, because within anytime they could send me off to another state or country and I’ll be without my baby all over again and if I have to go away for a year, jeez how will my mama handle Todd? It’s all scary, but my mama will be able to handle it and God will protect us.
I haven’t found my voice in writing yet, I haven’t found my “niche” and I’m searching for it. I’ve been looking through magazines to find the kind of magazine that I could aspire to write in, but I haven’t found a topic in it that I like. It wasn’t till I was in college that I realized that I could make a career out of it. Silly I know, I should’ve been realized that, but it was only something I did when I was mad or had a something that seemed crazy to think of and turned it into a show. Every time I wrote I’d picture it like it’s a movie the best I could in my head. At that time I could never seem to finish any of my works. I’ve wanted to enter contest, but I hold myself back, I just don’t seem to be taking it as seriously as I want to take it. As I should take it. I want to be a novelist, a journalist, screenwriter, ect… Anything that has to do with writing I want to do it. If Tyler Perry can do it, why wouldn’t I be able to? I think about my poetry and it seems like the door is cracked open for me to push it open, but there seems to be something there blocking it. I told myself that, today God gave me another chance to be stronger in his name and to follow his commandments. I’m not sure, Jesus says just think of his word and the rest will follow in place (I’m paraphrasing), but it doesn’t seem to be deep rooted enough in my heart, all I know is I love the Lord and if I love the Lord I need to follow his word. Once I have God’s law deep rooted in my heart then my life will be more fuller, even though things will go wrong, the Lord will always get me through and I will make it through it. I want my poetry to include God in it, because I owe my talents to the Lord. Sucess and change aren’t things that happen overnight, it takes time, effort, and the Lord to fight pass the obstacles the devil has placed in our way. I know what I ultimately want, a legacy to leave behind for my daughter and I will make her one, I will leave a legacy for her and a household name.
God has built a home for you,
A magnificent home built soild and strong,
God has built a home for you,
A home built from your hard works,
God has built a home for you, built especially for you.
The magnificent home God has built strong for you, he’s built with golden bricks.
The strong golden bricks God used to built you magnificent home are made from your golden magnificent faith.
More magnificent than the celebrities have this house was built from your strength.
In that magnificent home God has built for you are many rooms.
In out of those many rooms rest God’s Holy wor.
And beside God’s holy word rest God’s armor you’ve used to protect you on your long journey to your magnificent home.
It’s large and its all there, displayed like a trophy in its case.
You venture to that next room that engulfs you like a tidal wave,
Waves of memories,
Memories of you praising God’s Holy name,
Memories of you showing your faith,
Memories of you showing love to those around you,
Memories of laughs shared and hugs given,
Memories of your journey led by the Lord
God has built a home for you where your loved ones await,
Happy to welcome you home where there’s forever peace,
For in the home God has built for you there is no more pain, tears, or death,
A home where God’s light shines on you,
God has built a home for you where your eternity awaits.