Yesterday was the last day of Vacation Bible School with the theme being “Super God Super Me”, of course I was the only one that’s been showing up to show up again and then another person. This time it was a beautiful dark skinned girl that seemed a little ditzy, but sweet, what aggravated me was the teacher kept trying to get her to speak as if he were trying to get me not to speak. Well I’m not sure if that was his intentions he kind of offended me, afterall I’m the only person that showed up to his class. He was embarrassed that it was only us most of the time and I felt a little bad for him, but I didn’t mind us being the only ones, it’s not like I’m friends with any of those people to begin with. He taught me anyways, but the last day was a bit more intense, as we were the only ones for a while and that very day I was at home after being out all night with these guys from Delaware and later that day just laying up and later on smoking weed with this guy that isn’t at all my type. Then later on smoking the roach in a bottle, right before I picked up my daughter, and headed to church. He asked me, which is just another sign that everyone can tell I smoke, “Can I ask you a personal question?” he asked after taking a bite of his fried chicken we’d gotten before going to our classes and whipping his mouth. I shrug and gesture for his to continue, wondering what could possibly be his personal question for me, “Do you smoke weed?” he ask out right, of course I should’ve known I say to myself. I wasn’t even jacked I guess it was the tide dye shirt and red sweats I had on, but yeah I guess it was obvious, so I answered with a truthful answer. “Yeah.” He nodds and smiles a little and ask me “How do you feel that effects your walk with the Lord?” I tell him I don’t feel like it effects it anyway. He laughs like he has to debate with me on why it does and honestly I’ve been wanting to quit, not just weed that’s not the problem, it’s the cigarettes that I hate. The smell, the taste, the effects it seems to have on my body, I hate it all. I pray that God takes that addiction away from me and give me the strength to let that habit go, but then I think of how relaxed it makes me feel and how good it feels to suck it in and breathe it out. All in all I don’t like smoking, my daughter doesn’t like it when I smoke, and my family doesn’t like it. I want to be a better influence on people’s lives and this is the first habit that has to be kicked to live a better life, closer to the Lord. Well that was yesterday and today I haven’t smoked except for the tiny shorts I found outside and in my cousins ashtray. Pathetic I know and disgusting I hate to say I did it, but the way my days been going is a mixture of good and bad just like any other day I assume. I spent all day at the Unemployment Office filling out applications, that was productive, I visited Little Theater of Gastonia and no one was there, that was a let down as I just keep trying to break through the seams of somewhere. I pick up my daughter, and when we get to Little Ceasars my car starts smoking. Of course I’m saying “Why me, Lord?” like I really don’t understand why this had to happen, I keep calm get our pizza and the car is driving fine thank God, because it could’ve stopped anywhere and that would’ve been way worse. Well it begins to smoke and proceeds to break down right across the street from my apartment. The smart thing to do would have been to get out of the car, instead I’m sitting in there with my daughter, feeling embarrassed and defeated. I call my mama and there’s no response as soon as it starts ringing, luckly these men who know my mama and former next door neighbor, Kevin, come save me and tells me what’s going on with my car. They say I almost messed up my engine and tell me I should be thanking God, he has no ideal how blessed I know I am. God who saves me from all my idiotic mistakes. I leave my car to cool down and Noelle and I walk across the street to my apartment and eat our pizza, which when I open the box I find out that the pizza hasn’t even been cut. I just about lost it, a mixuture of my own internal problems and the problems from the day, it just about turned into a pointless rage. I take a deep breathe through my nose and go get a knife from the kitchen, relax, and cut the pizza. My daughter just had to use the bathroom as usual and usually she tells me she has to pee as if she’s still at school and I tell her she doesn’t have to tell me that. Well today of all days she follows my directions and I don’t get to tell her the toilet is clugged with my poop and uck period blood, I forget all about that, since I didn’t think I would be at the unemployment office for so long and when I left it was filled to the rim. I just figured I’d let it go down and when I got back home, I’d plung it. Well that’s not the way it happened, Noelle sees it and flushes the toilet over and over, not understanding that it’s clogged and it begins to overflow. Which the only thing at this time in my life I need overflowing are blessings and they are, but my big break through hasn’t came yet, I can’t keep expecting some motion picture venomena to happen to me, I have to realize that it takes time. I want to give the Lord time to work in me no more bitterness, no more anger, and no more guilt. Just a peace of mind.
I am newly unemployed and once more frustrated with my situation. I continue to pray to God for guidance and release how I feel about what’s going on. I’m not yet the best Anita I could be, but I don’t yet know how to be. I just want things to pan out in my direction, I want things to go the way I want them and that’s not the right way of a follower of Christ. I want to have more patience so that I can wait on the Lord, yet I need more perverence to accomplish the things that I want to accomplish. Some times I think that the Lord isn’t earing my prayers, like I’m not worthy of anything that he has to offer me. After all, look at those who don’t follow him and they seem to obtain everything they ever wanted and here I am praying to him everyday and every night and it seems like there are no results. No results within myself and no results within my situation. I acknowledge that I haven’t exactly given God the time to work in me, but there are so much inside me that hasn’t been resolved; such as, the abusive situation I had with my ex and father of my daughter. While he’s over it and about to get married (as soon as he’s released from prison) I’m over here letting him get under my skin, remaining lazy with my goals as if I have plenty of time, and letting it all weigh me down. I try to pull myself up (even though that’s the Lords job) and it never seems to work. My mama tells me to take my vitamins and she’s right, but I never seem to be able to remember to take my multivitamins. Praying thankfully comes very naturally to me, I can never understand how it could be so hard to just talk to God. You can do it in your car, while you’re working, while you’re sitting on the toliet, while you’re doing anything, like when people talk to themselves, instead of talking to yourself you talk to the Lord, easy. But how can I make them effective in my life? How will I know that he’s going to answer my prayers? Their so simple, I just want him to take away this bitterness from me so I can just forgive and move on, make me strong enough to push through all my ventures, so I won’t just give up when then things get tough (mainly with school), and let me have a peace of mind. Now Joyce Meyer says that God says that he’s already given us peace of mind and strength, but I can’t sense it in me. Some times I do, like when I want to cry and don’t, when I want to lay in bed and isolate myself and don’t, and when I don’t feel like writing even though that’s the only thing I ever done, but still do. That’s because I really do know that things will get better and I really do know I’m growing, there’s just moments when I don’t. I want to stop my confused mind from thinking things that I can’t control, or feeling hurt for things that weren’t ever good for me to begin with and learn to move forward. Laziness isn’t from the Lord, Ruth wasn’t lazy and that’s how she gained favor, that’s why I have to let go of this evil foul spirit of laziness. It’s unholy to be lazy and I can’t be worked through by just laying in bed and not doing the things that I don’t feel like doing. I need to do the things I don’t feel like doing and that’s the only way I’ll feel better about myself. I want to love, but I have to love myself also. I think and think all day of things that are pointless to think about, a lot has to do with my daughters father that’s damaged me so deeply. I’ve never been dogged so many times and felt so stupid so many times and all and all it makes me feel even more angier that there’s just times I plot revenge and it drags me down even more. Thinking of how I can get him back for hurting me so much, while even in jail he’s more happier than I am. Knowing he has love waiting and his dreams ahead of him, while I think of all he’s done and how he doesn’t deserve happiness, like none of us do. And I make myself sick with it and even as I write this I think about it, how I want to do so much better than him and prove to him that he hurt the wrong chick. But at the same time I’ve hurt someone before and he’s also moved on to someone who actually love him. The crazy part is only God truly knows what I want, because even though I love to write, I question what’s going to drive me to be one in a million? I feel like I’m one in a million, even though if someone looked at me I might seem average. But I don’t have the average thoughts, my problem is acting on what I see that I need to do and its a sick problem that I have. I’m going to take it one day at a time, I’m rushing myself to change and change doesn’t come over time, it comes with loses. I expect to have an Elle Woods moment and just wake up with complete determination and fans screaming my name and my name on the best seller list and all these awards you get from writing without me even putting in any effort, just worrying about not putting in any effort, while not putting in any effort. It frustrates me even though I have tons of ideals that would make great reads and awesome movies. I know I’ll make an impact on this world, yet I don’t know how. From a young age, I’ve asked the Lord to use me and I know that the Lord makes good on his promises. I just don’t know when and some times its even just unbelieveable, yet it’s on my heart to think about so therefore, its totally obtainable, I have to just keep chasing and never give up.
It’s hard for me to understand myself completely, I’m struggling internally. I just know I can’t give up, it’s when things seem tough that you must not quit, so I just can’t quit. I’m going to make a break through in myself. I don’t feel like I have that many accomplishments, aside from graduating from high school, but after that life was hard. Maybe just because I was a teen mom or it could be the fact that I was making it hard for myself, I don’t know. Either way it go I have to let that part of my past go in order to have a happy health future, as soon as I free my mind from the chains I’ve wrapped around my brain, I’ll be unstoppable. As soon as I pick my work ethic to where I need it to be, I’ll be amazing and everyone will hear my voice, my pain, my struggle, and my passion through my words. I have to get it together, because only now only my mother and I know my potential. I will change the world with my words and inspire women and girls like me who’ve been lost on this dark path called life. Only now has it actually occured to me what light unto my path meant and I plan on using it. When I write, I feel the deepest emotions, that I need everyone to feel and no one won’t believe until they see it. I won’t let my passion go unheard, I just can’t let that happen. It’s lame I’ve been trying to look up stuff to help me better myself and find the girl I once lost, it’s helped a little, at least I got an idea. This journey don’t seem as dark as it use to, being in pointless relationships felt way worse, at least now I don’t feel so stuck anymore. I’m still not breathing easily right now, but it’s gotten easier. I feel like the more I pray and the more I work on my thinking, the better things will get. I’ve realized things don’t get easier, it’s all about how we learn how to handle the punches that are thrown at us. As long as we can take them punches, life won’t seem as hard as we thought it was when we once couldn’t. The things that hurt and scare you now, probably won’t hurt and scare us with time and growth. But the thing is you have to keep going, whatever you do, you have to keep going and not turn back, even when it seems turning back would be way easier, keep going until you’re too far to turn back. Keep going until you see the light at the end of the tunnel and you alway have to know, it’s when things seem bad, that you must not quit.
I love to write stories that will suck people in, the stories I come up with are stories I would love to have read myself and something I know people would be addicted to reading. I want my stories to be stories that people who say they hate to read, just love to read all because the imagery will be so vivid it’ll be better then watching it on TV. The details are to the T from what the character was wearing from how they feel during that moment, the scent in the room and the feeling of goose bumps on the characters arm. My stories will influence others to be different, inform others of things that aren’t normally spoken of, and things that they won’t see in a movie. People may even find new sayings in my stories that could be applied to actual life, my stories come from having a strong imagination. I can find a story in anything, my day to day life I’m coming up with stories in my head from every little experience I have, even from the “what if’s ” in life.
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
when the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the finds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life is strange with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit,
It’s when things seem worse, that you must not quit
This poem is something that I try to live by when I’m feeling things seem to keep going wrong. I have it hung up in my room and tend to look at it and push myself harder and harder, hopefully this poem does the same for whoever reads it.
That’s a question that people answer like I’m outgoing, cool, or I’m goofy and real, but none of that’s what I really mean. I want to know who I am deep inside and who I’m going to be, I was told that around my junior year of college I’d finally really know who I am. I remember thinking “Whoa, really?… I can’t wait till that time comes around.” I want to be me I want to completely be me and be happy with it. Not being me makes me feel ultimately lost in the world, like I’m walking around with my eyes shut on autopilot. The mistakes I’ve made seem to be blind mistakes, what I mean by that is, it don’t look like I was looking what I was doing while I was doing it. Like I’m drawing a blank canvas and I have tons of colors, then I’m blind folded and I go crazy with the colors on the canvas instead of making a beautiful master piece I make a huge mess. It sucks looking at, but I’ve realized also that you can make a blank canvas blank again by covering it up with white paint and it looks like I never made the mess after all. The blind fold still seems to be glued to my eyes, I don’t know what to do but I need get back on the right track for sure, no excuses. I’m going to make a beautiful master piece with my life one day, starting today. I spoke to a psychologist, she was a nice lady and all she listened to me and responded back to me with me; agreeing and somewhat putting her opinion in it. I paid her $35 in the end and thinking about it, I’m thinking I could of talked any of friends about it two of them for sure for free, I’m too broke to be paying a lady to cry about my problems every Friday or even every other Friday. Speaking of crying I haven’t done that in a while, I tend to have these moments I call “dry spells” usually known for a time where you don’t have sex, but I’m using it in terms where it’s a time I don’t cry, each time they get longer and I learn to swallow it up. I like that I haven’t cried, I’m not sure if it’s right or wrong but I don’t want to cry I don’t know if it might set me back or build me up or nothing. If it’s nothing I don’t need to cry, if it sets me back emotionally I don’t want to do it, and I don’t want to risk any of the last two happening so I just suck it right back up. But, some things aren’t things I can tell my friends, like my friend Justice might just call me a dumb ass and stop listening and my cousin Porsha just won’t understand completely, but she’ll understand a lot more than Justice. I have doubts about that boy, but I let it slide but still watch out for the big moment when we’re no longer what we use to be. Anyways deep down I want to find me and be me and be happy with who I am.
I want to one day be the greatest writer out there and I want to get my work out there. I never knew I wanted to do this, but I’ve always been a writer, writing is something that I think about all day can’t wait to do each and everyday. It’s how I express myself and relax myself after a long day. I wish I had one of those bathtubs that I can just sit in and write, it’s just relaxing to me. I have so many creative ideas that I feel one day will become iconic hopefully, but it definitely will be a great thing to read. I want people to hear me through my word on paper since I’m not exactly a talker, I’m more of the quiet type, but when it comes to writing I have no filter. I have ideas no one has ever thought about and I feel like my stories just really go there and will make people feel happy, understood, grateful, and inspired.