I don’t know whats next, I didn’t want to admit it, but I fuckin lost my job again! I can’t believe it, it was completely out of the blue and with no warning and all the wrong signs that led up to it. I’m beyond frustrated with my life and I’m ready for my life to become more stable. I have to admit I’d been showing up late, but that was only twice and that’s because my alarm dismissed itself. I don’t understand how, but my shit still isn’t plooping in the toliet and I’m not sure where to turn. Hell I know the job was shit already, but dammit I needed that shit job to get through until I could just get a few things down pact, but I need to just let it go. Don’t fight for the shit job don’t argue about it, just accept the lose and write a shit review about it on Yelp(:. Fuck that place, fuck the manager that go me fired, and fuck that dumb ass owner who doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing to run the joint. I’m tired of my life turning to shit before I have time to do anything about it, I’m tired of losing and not winning. I’m tired of very few things go crumble right before my eyes, I’m tired of self sabotage, I’m tired of being angry and broke, and I’m fucking tired of being tired. A cliche right? Well fuck it cause it’s true. I’m tired of people not caring about how hard I’m trying and all my effort going unnoticed, I’m tired of people hating on me for no damn reason, like I’m never allowed to just be happy. This shit sucks and people are fake, but I already knew that. I have to pick myself up like I’ve done so many other times from damn near everything, and I’m sick of it, but here I go again. And I will until things finally becomes stable, for some reason I’m too dumb to get my shit together, hell why not rant. I’m going to continue to be a fighter and having to deal with people, because hell people have to deal with my slow ass, so hell I gotta deal with them too. I ready for stability, but appearantly not, when I become ready for the best my actions will reflect that. But fuck it, because I’m fucking am! Things will get better as they always do and I’ll figure out a new method that will work for me.
So I’m joining the National Guard I feel I need to in move my life in a different direction and to make me feel like I’m doing something worth while with my life. I just feel like this is going to be, well life change in my life. I will become more fit, more disciplined, and hopefully discover things I never knew about myself. I want to be stronger, so why not army strong? There are a few things I need to have done, but I don’t believe that will stop anything, just paperwork I’m nervous about not being able to speak to my daughter for ten whole weeks and not be able to tell her how much I love her and not to know what she’s doing all the time. I’ve never been away from Noelle for so long and its scary, also I won’t be able to speak to my mama and that’s scary, she’s my support, so to not hear her encouragment is a little scary. I hope I can carry my Bible, I’m definitely going to need the Lord who I believe will hold me down during the bad times. I know he’ll get me through it even when times get hard, God will make it work in my favor and I’ll count it all joy. I’m excited about being deployed and nervous, because within anytime they could send me off to another state or country and I’ll be without my baby all over again and if I have to go away for a year, jeez how will my mama handle Todd? It’s all scary, but my mama will be able to handle it and God will protect us.
I haven’t found my voice in writing yet, I haven’t found my “niche” and I’m searching for it. I’ve been looking through magazines to find the kind of magazine that I could aspire to write in, but I haven’t found a topic in it that I like. It wasn’t till I was in college that I realized that I could make a career out of it. Silly I know, I should’ve been realized that, but it was only something I did when I was mad or had a something that seemed crazy to think of and turned it into a show. Every time I wrote I’d picture it like it’s a movie the best I could in my head. At that time I could never seem to finish any of my works. I’ve wanted to enter contest, but I hold myself back, I just don’t seem to be taking it as seriously as I want to take it. As I should take it. I want to be a novelist, a journalist, screenwriter, ect… Anything that has to do with writing I want to do it. If Tyler Perry can do it, why wouldn’t I be able to? I think about my poetry and it seems like the door is cracked open for me to push it open, but there seems to be something there blocking it. I told myself that, today God gave me another chance to be stronger in his name and to follow his commandments. I’m not sure, Jesus says just think of his word and the rest will follow in place (I’m paraphrasing), but it doesn’t seem to be deep rooted enough in my heart, all I know is I love the Lord and if I love the Lord I need to follow his word. Once I have God’s law deep rooted in my heart then my life will be more fuller, even though things will go wrong, the Lord will always get me through and I will make it through it. I want my poetry to include God in it, because I owe my talents to the Lord. Sucess and change aren’t things that happen overnight, it takes time, effort, and the Lord to fight pass the obstacles the devil has placed in our way. I know what I ultimately want, a legacy to leave behind for my daughter and I will make her one, I will leave a legacy for her and a household name.
God has built a home for you,
A magnificent home built soild and strong,
God has built a home for you,
A home built from your hard works,
God has built a home for you, built especially for you.
The magnificent home God has built strong for you, he’s built with golden bricks.
The strong golden bricks God used to built you magnificent home are made from your golden magnificent faith.
More magnificent than the celebrities have this house was built from your strength.
In that magnificent home God has built for you are many rooms.
In out of those many rooms rest God’s Holy wor.
And beside God’s holy word rest God’s armor you’ve used to protect you on your long journey to your magnificent home.
It’s large and its all there, displayed like a trophy in its case.
You venture to that next room that engulfs you like a tidal wave,
Waves of memories,
Memories of you praising God’s Holy name,
Memories of you showing your faith,
Memories of you showing love to those around you,
Memories of laughs shared and hugs given,
Memories of your journey led by the Lord
God has built a home for you where your loved ones await,
Happy to welcome you home where there’s forever peace,
For in the home God has built for you there is no more pain, tears, or death,
A home where God’s light shines on you,
God has built a home for you where your eternity awaits.
Yesterday was the last day of Vacation Bible School with the theme being “Super God Super Me”, of course I was the only one that’s been showing up to show up again and then another person. This time it was a beautiful dark skinned girl that seemed a little ditzy, but sweet, what aggravated me was the teacher kept trying to get her to speak as if he were trying to get me not to speak. Well I’m not sure if that was his intentions he kind of offended me, afterall I’m the only person that showed up to his class. He was embarrassed that it was only us most of the time and I felt a little bad for him, but I didn’t mind us being the only ones, it’s not like I’m friends with any of those people to begin with. He taught me anyways, but the last day was a bit more intense, as we were the only ones for a while and that very day I was at home after being out all night with these guys from Delaware and later that day just laying up and later on smoking weed with this guy that isn’t at all my type. Then later on smoking the roach in a bottle, right before I picked up my daughter, and headed to church. He asked me, which is just another sign that everyone can tell I smoke, “Can I ask you a personal question?” he asked after taking a bite of his fried chicken we’d gotten before going to our classes and whipping his mouth. I shrug and gesture for his to continue, wondering what could possibly be his personal question for me, “Do you smoke weed?” he ask out right, of course I should’ve known I say to myself. I wasn’t even jacked I guess it was the tide dye shirt and red sweats I had on, but yeah I guess it was obvious, so I answered with a truthful answer. “Yeah.” He nodds and smiles a little and ask me “How do you feel that effects your walk with the Lord?” I tell him I don’t feel like it effects it anyway. He laughs like he has to debate with me on why it does and honestly I’ve been wanting to quit, not just weed that’s not the problem, it’s the cigarettes that I hate. The smell, the taste, the effects it seems to have on my body, I hate it all. I pray that God takes that addiction away from me and give me the strength to let that habit go, but then I think of how relaxed it makes me feel and how good it feels to suck it in and breathe it out. All in all I don’t like smoking, my daughter doesn’t like it when I smoke, and my family doesn’t like it. I want to be a better influence on people’s lives and this is the first habit that has to be kicked to live a better life, closer to the Lord. Well that was yesterday and today I haven’t smoked except for the tiny shorts I found outside and in my cousins ashtray. Pathetic I know and disgusting I hate to say I did it, but the way my days been going is a mixture of good and bad just like any other day I assume. I spent all day at the Unemployment Office filling out applications, that was productive, I visited Little Theater of Gastonia and no one was there, that was a let down as I just keep trying to break through the seams of somewhere. I pick up my daughter, and when we get to Little Ceasars my car starts smoking. Of course I’m saying “Why me, Lord?” like I really don’t understand why this had to happen, I keep calm get our pizza and the car is driving fine thank God, because it could’ve stopped anywhere and that would’ve been way worse. Well it begins to smoke and proceeds to break down right across the street from my apartment. The smart thing to do would have been to get out of the car, instead I’m sitting in there with my daughter, feeling embarrassed and defeated. I call my mama and there’s no response as soon as it starts ringing, luckly these men who know my mama and former next door neighbor, Kevin, come save me and tells me what’s going on with my car. They say I almost messed up my engine and tell me I should be thanking God, he has no ideal how blessed I know I am. God who saves me from all my idiotic mistakes. I leave my car to cool down and Noelle and I walk across the street to my apartment and eat our pizza, which when I open the box I find out that the pizza hasn’t even been cut. I just about lost it, a mixuture of my own internal problems and the problems from the day, it just about turned into a pointless rage. I take a deep breathe through my nose and go get a knife from the kitchen, relax, and cut the pizza. My daughter just had to use the bathroom as usual and usually she tells me she has to pee as if she’s still at school and I tell her she doesn’t have to tell me that. Well today of all days she follows my directions and I don’t get to tell her the toilet is clugged with my poop and uck period blood, I forget all about that, since I didn’t think I would be at the unemployment office for so long and when I left it was filled to the rim. I just figured I’d let it go down and when I got back home, I’d plung it. Well that’s not the way it happened, Noelle sees it and flushes the toilet over and over, not understanding that it’s clogged and it begins to overflow. Which the only thing at this time in my life I need overflowing are blessings and they are, but my big break through hasn’t came yet, I can’t keep expecting some motion picture venomena to happen to me, I have to realize that it takes time. I want to give the Lord time to work in me no more bitterness, no more anger, and no more guilt. Just a peace of mind.
Yesterday I didn’t write, but here goes that. I started a “To Do List” and every time I complete a mission I check it off, it actually works and it makes me feel better when I check something off my list. I went to Vaction Bible School and of course there I got what I needed to keep trusting the Lord and I will. Especially now, today not everything went the way I wanted it to go, but I trust that God will bring me through whatever I need him to in his own time. I lean not onto my own understanding, but what the Lord has planned for me will happen in due time. I found out at Gaston today that I’ll have to pay out of pocket, that’s my own fault I kept being distracted by things that I didn’t need to think about. I have to have twelve credit hours before they’ll let me get my financial aid back and I’m one for the challenge. When tax season comes I’ll pay what I owe and set the money to the side for the semesters to come, even if I have to move back in with my mama I’m determined to do what is neccessary for my daughter and I. I won’t let these things set me back, but push me to do better. Noelle’s daddy calls from prison today and he aggravates me, but I tell him he can get her every other Monday- Wednesday, which is more than I have to do since on the court documents it says every other Tuesday and Wednesday. He tries to act out his arrogant ways on me by telling me how I’m not good enough, but today I didn’t let him I just cut him off and let him know about himself and how I will no longer tolerate his disrespectful behavior toward me. If someone thinks it’s ok that he does disrespect me and I deal with it, well they can all jump off a cliff with him because I’m not allowing it anymore. He calls back a second time and tells me some bs about how he’s getting out early and if I could pick him up and I out right tell him no, I have to admit that it hurt me a little to have to tell him that, but I’m not going to do things for him any longer and he tries to guilt trip me and tell me how I need him and when I need him again how he won’t be there for me. Well from what I recall is I needed his help once and even during that I really would’ve just done better if I’d done it on my own, because he couldn’t even help with that simple task of taking me to school and work. Hello I had my own car, I just wanted him to take Noelle to daycare really, so I could get to class on time, but like I said in the end he wasn’t even good for that for too long. He tells me I was saving my money, but in all actuallilty I was giving him money so he could reup and spending it on giving him food, I was always broke and couldn’t put gas in my tank. He tells me that his little ten dollars was helping every time I’d have to drive us to Walmart so he could steal something, then I’d have to turn around and return it for the stupid gift card. Well he wasn’t all that helpful and everything he done, I could’ve done it myself if I’d just committed myself to waking up on time and getting Noelle to daycare and me to school. I hate that I made so complicated for myself and dug myself in a deep whole of hurt for someone that was only temporary in my life. He doesn’t have me anymore and that’s that, he doesn’t control my life or my outlook on life anymore and I have no hope for our relationship anymore. I want one thing and that’s it, for him to take care of his daughter and if he doesn’t want to do that, then that doesn’t matter to me either because I will. Not having a job right now and me getting my head together is all that I’m concerned with at this time aside from the fact that I have to make sure that Noelle will be OK. Enough about him, there’s more that’s going on, at the fact that I want to go out tonight and I have to pay my sister to watch my daughter so I can, part of me wants to cancel another part of me wants to have a good time and be with a friend. I’m not sure I can yet call her a friend, she seems wishy washy at times, but I don’t put my happiness in the hands of humans, because we all disappoint whether its intentionally or not, we all do, so therefore the only thing I put my trust in is the Lord. He doesn’t do anything that’ll hurt us, only teach and grow us. I take this time of unemployment as a time to focus on him and learn more about his love and grace, to learn to trust in him without questioning him. Life happens and when it does, I have God’s word that’ll protect me. The thing is I don’t consider myself religious I just consider myself a disciple of the Lord, I don’t care how anyone may see me, I’m just Jesus’s follower and I want to be more like and be an example of him. He cares for me, even when no one else does he does, he will guide my steps, even when things seem bleak and blurry, he’ll clear it up for me. Despite what they told me at Gaston all I heard was ok there’s still a chance and if God wants me to he’ll make everything right, just not when I want, but at the exact right time and I think the Lord for that. I didn’t squander my chances the Lord loves me and I’ll be great one day even if it’s not how I want to be.
I am newly unemployed and once more frustrated with my situation. I continue to pray to God for guidance and release how I feel about what’s going on. I’m not yet the best Anita I could be, but I don’t yet know how to be. I just want things to pan out in my direction, I want things to go the way I want them and that’s not the right way of a follower of Christ. I want to have more patience so that I can wait on the Lord, yet I need more perverence to accomplish the things that I want to accomplish. Some times I think that the Lord isn’t earing my prayers, like I’m not worthy of anything that he has to offer me. After all, look at those who don’t follow him and they seem to obtain everything they ever wanted and here I am praying to him everyday and every night and it seems like there are no results. No results within myself and no results within my situation. I acknowledge that I haven’t exactly given God the time to work in me, but there are so much inside me that hasn’t been resolved; such as, the abusive situation I had with my ex and father of my daughter. While he’s over it and about to get married (as soon as he’s released from prison) I’m over here letting him get under my skin, remaining lazy with my goals as if I have plenty of time, and letting it all weigh me down. I try to pull myself up (even though that’s the Lords job) and it never seems to work. My mama tells me to take my vitamins and she’s right, but I never seem to be able to remember to take my multivitamins. Praying thankfully comes very naturally to me, I can never understand how it could be so hard to just talk to God. You can do it in your car, while you’re working, while you’re sitting on the toliet, while you’re doing anything, like when people talk to themselves, instead of talking to yourself you talk to the Lord, easy. But how can I make them effective in my life? How will I know that he’s going to answer my prayers? Their so simple, I just want him to take away this bitterness from me so I can just forgive and move on, make me strong enough to push through all my ventures, so I won’t just give up when then things get tough (mainly with school), and let me have a peace of mind. Now Joyce Meyer says that God says that he’s already given us peace of mind and strength, but I can’t sense it in me. Some times I do, like when I want to cry and don’t, when I want to lay in bed and isolate myself and don’t, and when I don’t feel like writing even though that’s the only thing I ever done, but still do. That’s because I really do know that things will get better and I really do know I’m growing, there’s just moments when I don’t. I want to stop my confused mind from thinking things that I can’t control, or feeling hurt for things that weren’t ever good for me to begin with and learn to move forward. Laziness isn’t from the Lord, Ruth wasn’t lazy and that’s how she gained favor, that’s why I have to let go of this evil foul spirit of laziness. It’s unholy to be lazy and I can’t be worked through by just laying in bed and not doing the things that I don’t feel like doing. I need to do the things I don’t feel like doing and that’s the only way I’ll feel better about myself. I want to love, but I have to love myself also. I think and think all day of things that are pointless to think about, a lot has to do with my daughters father that’s damaged me so deeply. I’ve never been dogged so many times and felt so stupid so many times and all and all it makes me feel even more angier that there’s just times I plot revenge and it drags me down even more. Thinking of how I can get him back for hurting me so much, while even in jail he’s more happier than I am. Knowing he has love waiting and his dreams ahead of him, while I think of all he’s done and how he doesn’t deserve happiness, like none of us do. And I make myself sick with it and even as I write this I think about it, how I want to do so much better than him and prove to him that he hurt the wrong chick. But at the same time I’ve hurt someone before and he’s also moved on to someone who actually love him. The crazy part is only God truly knows what I want, because even though I love to write, I question what’s going to drive me to be one in a million? I feel like I’m one in a million, even though if someone looked at me I might seem average. But I don’t have the average thoughts, my problem is acting on what I see that I need to do and its a sick problem that I have. I’m going to take it one day at a time, I’m rushing myself to change and change doesn’t come over time, it comes with loses. I expect to have an Elle Woods moment and just wake up with complete determination and fans screaming my name and my name on the best seller list and all these awards you get from writing without me even putting in any effort, just worrying about not putting in any effort, while not putting in any effort. It frustrates me even though I have tons of ideals that would make great reads and awesome movies. I know I’ll make an impact on this world, yet I don’t know how. From a young age, I’ve asked the Lord to use me and I know that the Lord makes good on his promises. I just don’t know when and some times its even just unbelieveable, yet it’s on my heart to think about so therefore, its totally obtainable, I have to just keep chasing and never give up.